Tired

Just want to have a little time off. Take a rest. Deep sleep. Peacefull mind.
But never have a chance to...

-sigh-

Stop being a mother for everyone!

I
just annoyed with those people who don’t want to fight for what they want in
their life. Hey, life is so short, why we can not trying to fulfilled our
wildest, deepest, worthiest dreams? And if the dreams are broken when we are
trying to reach it, at least you know that you were never feel sorry for NOT
even try it. We have to live the life not only for our dreams, but also in our
daily activity. Speak and tell what is in your mind is taking a lot courage
than those who just lurking around and hurt silently.

Please,
if you have something to say, just say it. Don’t pretend you don’t have to say
anything coz it would bring pain and whatever else. But you must know you
boundary. If you want to ask something that too private and discreet, of course
you will have to consider and re-consider the situation, the one you want to
ask, the context, etc. But if it’s only something that is not THAT big, why you
restrain yourself? If it’s only a casual thing in daily life, why it is so
hard? If you don’t want to hear the rejection, when you will ever hear the
approval? If you never want to risk because you afraid to lose, when you will
have your winning?

Okay,
I know that it is hard. I am not an expressionist person. I am introvert. But I
am trying to say what I want and must say, eventhough it is not that important.
But at least I open the door for those who want to understand me better, by
telling them about myself and listen to them. If you never told anybody what is
in your mind, how the hell they know about you? How the hell they know how to
treat you? How to makes you happy? How to makes you smile?

I
am just tired.

For
being a mother for everyone. I am not yet 25 years old, for God’s sake. But I
feel like I am already 50 years old. I feel that everyone is too depended to
me. Those who I love, those who love me. Those who care, those who don’t want
to care again. In the end, I always am the scapegoat. To be blamed. To be
cursed. Just because I care and trying to caring all of you people.

But
what I got? A mind-your-own-business kind of thing. A you-never-give-me-enough
kind of thing. A i-don’t-want-to-interrupt-you-so-it-will-be-better-if-i-leave
kind of thing. A I-already-at-peace-so-I-don’t-need-you-anymore kind of thing. And so on. And
so on. And so on. You all are never feels enough!!!! I try to be what I always be. I try to give you all what you want. But it is never enough.

I
want to find someone who I can rely on. Not only me as their savior. I want to share the burden. I don’t want to
carry it all my life time.

I
am for I am. Just that simple.

Too
confusing huh? Yea…it is only my blabbering thoughts.

The Comment Went So Deeply

Have you ever
feeling so ugly, unattractive, and all of that kind? I know that everyone (esp.
the feminist ones) will say that beauty is not only in physical but in the
heart AKA inner beauty and bla bla bla

I know that. In
fact I support that kind of belief.

But sometimes when
your self esteem is in the lowest point, when you are in your very highly and
dangerously sensitive mood, a tiny remark or comment will be went deeply to the
vulnerable heart. And of course it would be deeper if it comes from the one
that you trust and (was or still) precious to you,

Bored

Just...bored. Back to the old ritual. Without any excitement i found in the field work. Without any interesting scenes to spoil my tired eyes. Without any laughter and mischief in the market.

Bored bored bored.

And this tiny little stabs still haunting me.

Blabbering

"See the world from positive way"
I know. But things are easier to be said than done. But i'll try. I swear I'll try.

Right now I know that assumption is very dangerous thing. Because it makes you see things in YOUR own way and lead to prejudice. Please see all the fact. Don't make assumption if you don't have all the data. You will ended up hurting people. And I'm tired to be the one who say "I'm sorry. Let me explain that." just because it seems that you need to hear those words. Just because you want to know everything.

And when everyone around you is pushing you till the limits, what will you do?

Too much love will kill you

Everytime those innocent yet honest eyes look at me with I-Adore-You
and I-Love-You-So look, my heart fluttering. Give me a little stab
of consciousness and sanity. And the inevitable feeling: guilty.

I know...i know you will say that it’s not my fault. You will say this
is your choice, and you are willing to keep walking with every little small
tiny consequence. But still that guilty kinda thing eaten up my heart.

Too much love
will kill you

Just as sure as none at all

It'll drain the power that's in you

Make you plead and scream and crawl

And the pain will make you crazy

You're the victim of your crime

Too much love will kill you

-sigh-

And i dont want to be a mass murderer.

Close the book [please]

Bagaimana
caranya menutup sebuah buku? Ketika kau tahu kau tak akan pernah
menyelesaikannya. Kau sudah tahu apa yang kau cari. Biarpun itu bukan berarti
kau sudah MENEMUKAN apa yang kau inginkan. Kau hanya tahu, ini adalah waktuya untuk
menutup buku.

Hanya saja buku itu tak juga menutup. Angin terus bertiup, membuka
halaman demi halaman biarpun tanganmu tak lagi membaliknya. Lalu kau pun mulai
berpikir bagaimana caranya agar buku itu tak lagi terbuka oleh angin. Akan kau
bawa ke tempat dimana angin tak bertiup kencang. Tapi kau melupakan bahwa masih
banyak orang yang tahu bahwa kau masih memiliki buku tersebut. Mereka pun mulai
mencari dan membukanya. Kau sembunyikan dan ada orang-orang yang tak sengaja
menemukan, membukanya dan mengembalikannya padamu. Kau masih tak tega untuk
menguburnya. Atau membuangnya ke laut. Karena kau masih ingin buku itu ada
disampingmu. Hanya untuk tahu buku itu masihlah ada. Walaupun mungkin kau tak
akan mau membukanya lagi.

Pembatas
itu masih ada disitu. Membuatmu tahu pada halaman apa kau mulai menutup buku. Kau
takut mencabut pembatas buku dan membiarkan halaman membaur begitu saja. Karena
kau akan menghabiskan energi jiwamu jika kau membacanya dari awal lagi. Mungkin
apa yang tertulis di buku itu sudah terekam dalam ingatanmu. Tapi kau harus
membuka buku itu dari awal untuk mengetahui pada halaman keberapa kau berhenti
membaca. Terlalu berat dan membuang waktu jika kau harus mengulang dari awal.
Maka kau biarkan pembatas itu di situ.

Dan
tahukah kau bahwa buku itu adalah buku ajaib? Yang karakter-karakter di
dalamnya bisa menggunakan kekuatan mereka untuk membuka halaman demi halaman.
Yang ceritanya tak juga berakhir. Terus bersambung bagai kain Drupadi yang
ditarik Kurawa. Kau tahu kau tak akan pernah mengerti akhir dari cerita itu.
Namun buku itu terus menerus terbuka di luar keinginanmu.

Setiap kali buku itu terbuka, ada kutu kecil yang
melompat. Dia bukan kutu biasa, melainkan kutu penghisap darah. Tapi dia hanya
mau menghisap darahmu. Maka dia akan mencarimu. Entah kau berada di mana,
sedang melakukan apa, dengan siapa. Kutu itu selalu datang. Menggigit dan
menghisap darahmu. Kau akan selalu tahu kapan buku itu terbuka. Karena kutu itu
akan datang padamu.

Karena itulah. Kau semestinya segera tutup buku itu. Tak
membirkannya terbuka. Sebelum halaman-halaman tak juga berakhir itu terus
menerus membuka. Dan pasukan kutu menyerbumu. Hisap darahmu. Hingga pada titik
ketika kau tak lagi memiliki darah. Tapi bagaimana cara menutup buku tanpa
menghancurkannya?

Destiny

Destiny is choice

When we choose, we seal our destiny

We create our own path with our own hands

Every choice has its consequence

When we choose, we take the other side of the coin

Inseparable yet inevitable

You already choose

So if you want to make amend

You are the one who will come

Not I

For I already once

Is there a reason
why a broken heart begins to cry?
Is there a reason
you were lost although you don't know why?
Give me a reason
why you never want to say goodbye.
If there's a reason
I don't know why.

Enya – Somebody Said Goodbye

P.S. I lied. I do miss you.

Freedom

I am Freedom

Liberate

Carefree

May-devil-care

Reckless

Selfish

Rebel

But this is MY LIFE

And I BOUND to LIVE it

With MY OWN way

Selfish request

I want to keep all of these for my self. Dont want to share it just now.

Please understand. If you are still not understand. Then just let it go.

Every Single Little Thing

It will become complicated, when you trying to know everything about me in details. Coz you wont know that if you are an eon away from me. I don’t have to explain everything to you, or to anyone else. I think I still have right to choose the person I want to share with.

I already try the best I can before. But it failed. The gap was too wide for me to cross alone, with you only standing there. I was tired. Until finally I gave up. Now you are here. You want me to tell you every tiny little detail in my life, my poems, my writings, my songs, even in my head.

Please….I don’t want to be mad at you. I know that you care. But not everything has its reason. Something happened because it happens. And sometime we don’t know the reason behind our action. We just follow the path. Don’t accuse me because of something that you don’t understand.

Just don’t think too much.

Don’t always trying to find the hidden meaning.

Not every single thing has its meaning.

Birthday Wishes

Birthday. It is special? I dont know. Someway it is special, but in other way, not that special. Just ordinary day. Just a day to remind me that i am one year older than this date a year a go. But are'nt we all getting older every passing second? Getting older is absolute, while getting mature is an option, and ofcourse getting wiser need age, maturity, and also experience.

I am here. Step upon this fragile land. Trying to get a hold for my self. My dreams, my wishes, my hopes. Everything still in nowhere land. And here i am. Another full year. A full circle like before. Still trying and trying. Still a lady of dream.

Well, i think that I should say thank you for all of you who remember it and say your good wishes to me. No need the list. Because all of you already remember and generous enough to say it.

-Thank you so much-

This Never Happened Before

I'm very sure, this never happened to me before
I met you and now I'm sure
This never happened before

Now I see, this is the way it's supposed to be
I met you and now I see
This is the way it should be

This is the way it should be, for lovers
They shouldn't go it alone
It's not so good when your on your own

So come to me, now we can be what we want to be
I love you and now I see
This is the way it should be
This is the way it should be

The lake house movie....romantic but kinda absurd. And this song really sweet. Just like you.

Thanks for being with me dear one. Thank you for loving me and that you are willing to be with me this far. You are a 'rare find' indeed -hugs-

Ask

.......
tanya hatimu
benarkah dirimu masih mencintai aku
bukankah dulu
kau mau menunggu pernyataan cinta dariku

tanya hasratmu
benarkah dirimu masih membutuhkan aku
bila tak berubah bicara padaku
kepastianlah yang ku tunggu

......

Just ask what your heart need to....

Come back

My demon just came back and said "Hi, how are you?"

and I said "Fine, thank you, and do me a favor: GO BACK TO HELL !!!"

Do and Dont

I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.
I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you. I dont think about you.

But

I

Do


*Siyal*

Eradicate

Trying hard to speak and
Fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
It's all part of the plan
When something is broken
and you try to fix it
Trying to repair it anyway you can

There is no turning way. Can not be repaired.

It is a total eradicate. Why everything is always ended like this? I just sick of it.

How I Hate Unprofessional Guy

Dear Lord,

I dont know if i known as cruel superior but i know that i can be very angry if my underling do not finish their job. I feel that I am compassionate enough to my underling. I am trying to give them higher fee and facilities. I create job opportunity for my colleagues who unfortunate enough to be unemployed or fresh graduated without any job experience or for those who need side job/income. I only ask one thing: Your Commitment. If you are commit to do something, not only job but everything else in this whole world, so please do it until you already fulfilled your job, not leave it in the middle and left me panicked.

I really hate those guys who said that they can and will do the job, but in the reality they can not fullfilled it. I can accept if there are major forces like sick, death, or have other preferable job. But please tell me so! Don't leave the job without notified me first. It makes me crazy and want to throttle them. Especially those with stupid reason like want to go with his girlfriend. For God sake man! You are in a professional world here...hello???? Can your dumb brain accept that i need your work here as you already promised? Dont makes me mad with your telltale like that!

I dont like those who can not separate the professionnal work and the private one. How can you survive the world if you can not do that? Do everyone who work with you must be not related in some kind private relations with you? So you know that you will be safe from your silly girlfriend wrath? Oh man....i dont know if you were this fool. Ya.....coz only a fool who can not meet the dateline (I even dont know if you still remember what is the meaning of dateline!) because of those stupid and emptyheaded reasons.

Okay, I know that she hate me. But i am your superior now and you already submitted that you will work for me. If you feel you can not do that, please tell me so in the beginning. So I can find other people to replace your job! Please be profesionnal!

I dont know from when you can be this unprofessional kind of guy. And I am very dissapointed. I give you the job because I know that you need it. But you throw it back to my face. If I am not your superior, what excuses you will use? I think i am kind enough to understand you, but you just fool enough to passed the opportunity.

I dont know if you are on purpose doing this. I only can think the worse, that you want to destroy my new carrer here with makes me can not meet my dateline. Ohh...how I hate you because of this.

By all means

Maaf jika perlakuan saya membuat anda tersinggung. Tapi jika saya bukan teman yang baik maka saya akan langsung menghujat anda tepat di muka anda. Saya tidak akan membicarakan teman saya di belakang. Karena bagi saya itu bukanlah teman.

Saya tidak menanyakan secara langsung kepada anda karena saya masih khawatir dengan anda dan tidak ingin menyakiti anda. Saya hanya menunggu anda bicara, entah kapan anda bicara pun tidak akan saya permasalahkan. Itu adalah hak anda untuk bicara. Saya tidak menuntut anda untuk selalu bicara. Tapi ternyata salah. Apa saya harus langsung menanyakan setiap kali ada masalah yang mungkin timbul ataukah saya biarkan saja semuanya mengalir? Have fun saja? Hanya teman untuk bersenang-senang? Pura pura tak tahu jika ada masalah?

Ketahuilah, saya juga tidak ingin ini terjadi. Saya juga tidak suka mengetahui tentang hal ini, biarpun itu dari sumber terdekat. Tapi saya tidak bisa mengubah atau menghapus apa yang saya ketahui ini. Apa yang bisa saya lakukan? Saya tidak memanfaatkan hal itu untuk menekan anda. Coba pikirkan baik baik kapan saya menuding anda salah atau whatever you may called it coz i dont care and i never say it. Saya memang emosional dan tidakberpikir panjang, tapi anda pun demikian adanya. Lihat dulu semua fakta yang ada, barulah menghakimi orang lain, karena saya tak pernah merasa saya menghakimi anda. Entahlah jika persepsi dan tingkat sensitifitas kita berbeda.