Stop being a mother for everyone!

I
just annoyed with those people who don’t want to fight for what they want in
their life. Hey, life is so short, why we can not trying to fulfilled our
wildest, deepest, worthiest dreams? And if the dreams are broken when we are
trying to reach it, at least you know that you were never feel sorry for NOT
even try it. We have to live the life not only for our dreams, but also in our
daily activity. Speak and tell what is in your mind is taking a lot courage
than those who just lurking around and hurt silently.

Please,
if you have something to say, just say it. Don’t pretend you don’t have to say
anything coz it would bring pain and whatever else. But you must know you
boundary. If you want to ask something that too private and discreet, of course
you will have to consider and re-consider the situation, the one you want to
ask, the context, etc. But if it’s only something that is not THAT big, why you
restrain yourself? If it’s only a casual thing in daily life, why it is so
hard? If you don’t want to hear the rejection, when you will ever hear the
approval? If you never want to risk because you afraid to lose, when you will
have your winning?

Okay,
I know that it is hard. I am not an expressionist person. I am introvert. But I
am trying to say what I want and must say, eventhough it is not that important.
But at least I open the door for those who want to understand me better, by
telling them about myself and listen to them. If you never told anybody what is
in your mind, how the hell they know about you? How the hell they know how to
treat you? How to makes you happy? How to makes you smile?

I
am just tired.

For
being a mother for everyone. I am not yet 25 years old, for God’s sake. But I
feel like I am already 50 years old. I feel that everyone is too depended to
me. Those who I love, those who love me. Those who care, those who don’t want
to care again. In the end, I always am the scapegoat. To be blamed. To be
cursed. Just because I care and trying to caring all of you people.

But
what I got? A mind-your-own-business kind of thing. A you-never-give-me-enough
kind of thing. A i-don’t-want-to-interrupt-you-so-it-will-be-better-if-i-leave
kind of thing. A I-already-at-peace-so-I-don’t-need-you-anymore kind of thing. And so on. And
so on. And so on. You all are never feels enough!!!! I try to be what I always be. I try to give you all what you want. But it is never enough.

I
want to find someone who I can rely on. Not only me as their savior. I want to share the burden. I don’t want to
carry it all my life time.

I
am for I am. Just that simple.

Too
confusing huh? Yea…it is only my blabbering thoughts.

The Comment Went So Deeply

Have you ever
feeling so ugly, unattractive, and all of that kind? I know that everyone (esp.
the feminist ones) will say that beauty is not only in physical but in the
heart AKA inner beauty and bla bla bla

I know that. In
fact I support that kind of belief.

But sometimes when
your self esteem is in the lowest point, when you are in your very highly and
dangerously sensitive mood, a tiny remark or comment will be went deeply to the
vulnerable heart. And of course it would be deeper if it comes from the one
that you trust and (was or still) precious to you,

Bored

Just...bored. Back to the old ritual. Without any excitement i found in the field work. Without any interesting scenes to spoil my tired eyes. Without any laughter and mischief in the market.

Bored bored bored.

And this tiny little stabs still haunting me.